50 ways to leave your lover
When Paul Simon penned his blueprint for ending a relationship in 1975, it comprised a list of the most low-tech of solutions – most of which involved leaving without any kind of communication, not even a hastily written note on the back of a shopping list. Fast forward 40 years and the average thwarted partner has a few more options available if they want to cut their losses and move on.
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Most people would regard ending a relationship by anything other than a face-to-face meeting a bit of a cop-out, except, perhaps where one of the parties feared a violent reaction. That said, the paper is full of stories of partners breaking up using increasingly imaginative methods.
Hanging banners over motorway bridges, commissioning ‘break-up’ cakes or even paying for billboard announcements have all entered the lexicography of the break-up, especially when an element of public humiliation pay-back is part of the equation.
But we’re guessing that for those fighting shy of breaking up in person, the humble text or email has probably become the distance break-up method of choice. Anyone choosing this route can expect to come in for some pretty strong (and justified) condemnation:
You don’t need to discuss much
A story hitting the headlines at the moment, though, is one in which a disgruntled man delegated the break-up of his relationship to a process server who issued his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend with a restraining order.
The New York Post reported the story of a Manhattan-based hedge fund manager who had his girlfriend served with an order of protection after what he claims was a series of abusive confrontations – including one where she allegedly threw ‘several glass bottles’ at his head.
The hedge funder, Brad Zipper (real name), claimed that he had tried to end the relationship face to face but every time he brought the subject up, they ended up having ‘make-up’ sex. The case is going through the US courts at the moment, making great newspaper copy along the way. Ah, the problems of the rich and famous.
Is this what process servers in England are doing?
Well, not really, no. Tremark serves lots of divorce petitions and non-molestation orders on ex-partners and we undertake surveillance on behalf of husbands and wives, but we’ve not been commissioned to break up anyone’s relationship for them by serving court papers – yet!
Obviously, this kind of action represents the extreme end of relationship break-up protocols and is something that is likely to stay stateside for the time being. We don’t offer relationship counselling but if I had to give advice on how to approach a break-up, it would probably be to make it honest, kind and gadget-free. Then, in the words of Paul Simon, simply ‘Make a new plan, Stan.’
Lyrics from ‘Fifty ways to leave your lover’ by Paul Simon, ©Paul Simon Music